hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
