I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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