Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
