why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Girls should come with a carfax report
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
