A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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