I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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