My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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