I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
