Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
