Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
