Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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