my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
