dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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