he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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