the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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