I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
