You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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