It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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