so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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