Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
