Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
