Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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