My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
