I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
