We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
