I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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