You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
BRING THE BAGELS
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
