advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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