We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
