I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
