I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
