She went from zero to smokin in five shots
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
