Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
