dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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