i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
