so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
