Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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