A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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