You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
