Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
