FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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