so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
