i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
