no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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