Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
