Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
