We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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