I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
