I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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