I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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